Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Semen is not good for contacts.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
