If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
