WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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