My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
