Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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