That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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