eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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