I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize