Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
