allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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