Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
