I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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