your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
