he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
