I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just had sex on a roof
Randomize
