Got a toothbrush?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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