he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
