What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He shit in the fireplace
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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