Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
