my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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