I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize