Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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