she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
