I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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