wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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