mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
