and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My bed smells like the plague
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