There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
