we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
