I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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