You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize