This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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