he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
