dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
