if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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