I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
