i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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