I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
