At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
