is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
