So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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