Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize