So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
