I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
