just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
