he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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