Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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