I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
