If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
