Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
