Just fell off a train. Bad.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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