You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
