So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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