this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
