call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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