I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
