Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
